It slithers into your life…going undetected like a venomous rattlesnake camouflaged and disguised by deceptiveness. You don’t know it’s there until it suddenly strikes and sinks its venomous sharp fangs into your unsuspecting self.  Did you hear the rattle? Maybe. But you weren’t sure.  You weren’t sure until you felt the excruciating pain of the venom as it was injected and quickly flowing throughout…causing massive destruction.  Too late…treatment is needed. And so it begins…

Addiction.

Yes, I drug test/ed my boys.

I DON’T test because I believe my boys (they will always be my boys) are using drugs…because I don’t.

I DON’T test because I believe they are bad…because I know they are awesome young men.

BUT I also know…

Addiction has a deep rooted strong hold on my family.

Several of our much loved people have died because of addiction. Others have fallen down and climbed back up very treacherous paths….almost losing themselves and their lives in the process.

Addiction isn’t isolated to people who come from broken homes, lower class or uneducated people.

Addiction doesn’t care if you or your mom and dad have money…or not. It doesn’t care if you or your mom and dad are important…or not. It doesn’t care who you are.

Addiction steals, kills and destroys…it creates people who do the same.

Addiction is the enemy.

Addiction sneaks in like a thief. Quiet. Undetected and frighteningly dangerously disguised. I test because I need an alarm. Something that says….Look! Hello? This is important! Pay attention…we may have a problem!

I don’t test for punishment…I test to save lives.

Because I know addiction destroys so many. Because I know the things addiction steals from us…and they aren’t things at all. They are moms, dads, grandmas, grandpas, kids, teachers, nurses, lawyers, doctors, preachers… They are love, hugs, kisses, relationships, security and so much sweetness.

I test because if I wait until I believe they are using…it could be too late.

I test because…I know drugs are rampant and all around us. It’s too much of a problem within our world to wait and depend on the school, doctor, police or hospital to test. I test because I love them and I know what it’s like to lose people I love to the destruction of addiction. I’ve seen the darkness.

I’ve been honest with my boys. They’ve known I would/will randomly drug test them (during the crucial years as they are growing and learning). It gives them an out with their peers (if they want an out – but they could certainly choose to use)…but they can always use “my crazy mom drug tests me” as an out if they choose.

One was having a very bad reaction to a prescription medication and an over the counter medication that he had taken together. But we didn’t initially know that was the cause. Thankfully, I drug tested. Not because I thought he was using but so we could disprove it was drugs. We had to treat the underlying cause. He eliminated both medications and has never had the issue again. Thankfully we had an extremely knowledgeable and compassionate physician.

I test because the $40 over-the-counter drug test is worth every single penny.

The first step is determining if there is a problem…we have a brilliant physician for guidance. She gets the strong hold of addiction and understands the disease. She also gets people, anxiety, depression and other issues that could lead to self-medicating and addiction.

My hope is that my boys (guys) would look at all the tragedy and darkness drugs and alcohol have created for people we love…and choose not to use. I’m not stupid. I know there is a difference between drinking and being an alcoholic. But I also know…for me and my family – one drink or one hit could be the start of a very dark and treacherous path.

I’m certainly not the knower of all things.  I’m a mom just trying my best.  I LOVE my boys and being their mom. Blessed!

Much love!

Finding the sweet side of crazy!

Kandy

I had lunch with my new friend Toni, yesterday.  Check out her blog Let’s be unusually happy.

Although I only met her three short months ago, she feels more like an old friend. She knows my story all too well. Only her story is a little different…but it’s the same kind of different. The same heartache, disappointment, guilt, tears, anger, and all that junk. We both lost our mother’s to their addiction. They died within three months of each other. We live only a few miles apart but only met after our mother’s died. That’s strange to me. I wonder what it would have been like if we had connected a year before our mother’s died? Would we have just swapped crazy stories and frustration or would we have been pulled together, supporting each other and growing into something more?

We shared our hearts and a few tears…”Where are you? How are you feeling? What are you thinking?” It’s hard. But, it’s good too. There is so much guilt. But we can breathe. We discussed our God winks and what a blessing they are…her with the white feathers (amazing) and me with my owls (I’ll share soon). As I shared my owl stories, I saw her eyes widen and light up. She had an owl experience too. I see cardinals all the time. I forgot to tell her that. Addiction and the loss of our moms brought us together. Thank you God for giving me her. Someone to walk with who truly gets my feelings, my questions, my guilt and all the craziness that goes along with it.

I think a lot about things…what I could or should have done differently to help mother. Was there anything? What was it? Would the outcome have been different? Would she have felt more loved? Would I have been bitter? If I would have submerged myself into her life more, would I have followed in her footsteps…leaving my boys without their mom? The questions are endless. I’m working through the hard stuff. I read lots of stuff shared by people in recovery. It’s helpful for me. But I also read hate filled comments about addicts and alcoholics. My heart aches every time I read those hate filled comments or hear ugly words come out of someone’s mouth. Sometimes, my own thoughts/words come back to haunt me. I also read the advice given to people who ask for wisdom when dealing with someone who is active in their addiction. I read over and over…”let them go. Cut them off. Quit enabling.”  I did. I quit. I gave up. But it haunts me now. The questions keep coming. What should I have done differently?

Are they right? Did I do the right thing? Do they get it more than me? Do they understand the grips of the disease? I thought I did. I thought/said some of their very comments. But… I’m seeing differently now…nine months after mother’s death. I’ve learned, researched more in nine months than I did in 44 years. I quit. I gave up. I showed up occasionally out of guilt or concern because she had alienated herself. But now instead of thinking…she alienated herself which made her totally accountable, I think things like….after over forty years of living in addiction (with only short periods of recovery) the disease alienated her. I know she was accountable for her choices. I know it. Really I do. But there’s this little voice and tug at my heart that says….at some point she was too far gone – she lost the choice and I should have done more. Maybe it’s Satan creating more heartache and enjoying the stirring of guilt and regret he’s creating in my heart and mind. Or maybe it’s God showing me I was wrong. Showing me different. Showing me better.

I’m in the Potter’s hands being molded and shaped for a specific purpose. You see, this isn’t about mother and what she did or didn’t do. It’s about me. I’m taking responsibility for my own actions and not making excuses based on hers. We answer for ourselves not others.

Finding the sweet side of crazy.

With love,

Kandy